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I WILL stop and smell the flower without taking picture of it… Announcing Rehab!!!

 

Time flies by so fast when you have kids and I am aware of it not only looking and my kids but by looking in the mirror. Sometimes it makes me sad. I wish I could look a bit younger and had a better figure as my post-pregnancy shapes do not want to vanish. Each morning I fight with my lazy self in order to do some sit-ups and basic yoga. Sometimes I do it, more often I don’t ending up in front of the computer, drinking coffee and enjoying the quiet time when everybody is still asleep. I am angry at myself because I really like yoga and I am good at it or I used to. It makes me feel wonderful, awake and alive. Seriously. At the same time I had no idea why it is so hard to JUST DO IT!

Does anybody know?!

Despite the fact that our No. 2 has slept through the night for the last several days whenever the kids go to bed I go with them because I am so tired. It hadn’t happened before. Before, when they would go down for the nap I would do all the chores around the house or blog, read a book, bake and cook. Last several days I just don’t want to do any of those things.

I just want to sleep.

At the same time I feel a burden of not blogging while at the same time taking tons of pictures EVERY SINGLE DAY. My computer is almost full and it’s time to do the clean-up, but when I think about it I get chills. I do not want to do that.

I just want to sleep.

Even now, writing the words you’re reading, I do it because I can’t think straight… I had to blog and explain everything, let it out. I think I am addicted. I know I wouldn’t be able to relax and fall asleep.

I feel like I need a resolution. The kind where I say: NO MORE TAKING PICTURES (self-portraits only) until I am done with cleaning up the mess I’ve created. Because of that I no longer want to open my PICTURES folder, and if I do that I just sit and stare at it not knowing where to start. Recipes, kids, morning flowers, evening flowers, self-portraits, bumblebees and tralalabees, stairs, spoons, chairs… you name it.

photosbyleanne

I feel like I no longer live my life just for living and enjoying it but for the purpose of taking pictures and blogging about it. I can’t just go outside without the camera and have fun, and just be. I must have it with me and I must take pictures, because when I come back and there is no picture to upload on my computer I feel like I just wasted my time. It’s like I don’t see what’s around me unless I look at the viewfinder.

and this is kind of ridiculous… .

I wasn’t sure if I really want to publish this post, but then I thought, if I make it public, I’ll more likely hold myself accountable for it. It’s like going to a rehab. I started writing this post yesterday, since then I haven’t taken a single photo and I feel terrified. 

It doesn’t mean I am going to stop writing posts. I’ve got enough not used, planned to be published at some point pictures that it will last me for at least a month. Till I’m done with each and every single one I’m not going to use my camera for anything else than self-portraits and occasional shot when we  are out and about. 

Before I would stop and take a picture of a flower and move on to the next one. Now I am going to stop and really smell it! (exercise more and drink more water, too) ;)

Wish me luck! :)

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26 thoughts on “I WILL stop and smell the flower without taking picture of it… Announcing Rehab!!!”

  1. aww…

    on the morning yoga failure… I think I 100% know what you mean. I always have such clear intentions, but then life, distraction, habit, etc, so often make what seemed simple, hard…

    On the folder of pix… the web2.0 entrepreneur “Mickipedia” posted a year or 2 ago, “I just deleted my entire iTunes library, and I feel so free!”

    I think the best thing is to try to find a middle way.

    When you hear someone say, for example, that they want to lose weight, and they say Ok, ice cream is over, gym every day, perfect behavior, 40 kilos lost in 3 months…

    that always makes me sad because they’re probably not going to do that and then you’ll be hearing about ice cream binge in a couple of days… so you admire their intentions, but wish you could somehow help them find a middle way…

    So obsessive photo & blog of everything to the point of exhaustion and no fun….. vs…. NO MORE PIX till x, y, z…

    What about a middle way?

    First, honestly, it would be ok to just delete the folder of pix. Yes, I know it’s hard. Yes, I know it’s scary. But you could just delete and move on. Back in the postal mail age that’s what overburdened post offices did after a mail strike, right? :) Just burn it all and start over.

    But then… instead of too many pix… or none… what if you said “one frame”… I’m going to LOOK a lot… and then take one frame… come home… blog it… move on…

    You’re doing a great job Ewa, it’s funny how hard little things can be, but don’t hate yourself for it. That was the thing about that Time cover, right? Mommy-shame? That helps no one. Just do your best and try to know that that’s pretty good.

    1. Thank you for your thoughts on this, Vanessa. I think, I am just frustrated with myself and irritated by my actions (or their lack)… Photography from something very relaxing and fulfilling has become an obsessive-compulsive habit…
      I already deleted many folders with I had no reason to keep, but there is many pictures I want to keep, like my pic of my kids and my self-portraits. I just can’t delete them all. The thing is that I have hundreds of pictures mixed together and now I need to go through them, delete what I really don’t need, keep what I want to keep and then move those off of my computer.
      You’re totally right with the “one frame” idea. I need to think abut it. Thank you!

      1. What software do you use to sort photos? I really like Google Picasa – it’s free, and also really fast, easy, and powerful.

        It can organize pix into new sets of folders, you can “star,” delete, sort, etc… it really helps me keep pretty good control over a big “mess” of images.

        1. I use Lightroom and ViewNX. They both suck when it comes to organizing pictures, maybe not so much Lightroom as ViewNX. I have to change that too. I used to use Picasa… need to look at it again! thanks

          1. I played with the various choices some time ago, I think for me the Apple one worked with my images, but I’m on PC, the Adobe one was nice but I take a lot of capture images which come out .PNG, a format Adobe considers too amateur to bother supporting, so I’d have to convert each of thousands of images before I could use them there…

            after all that… free Picasa actually works really well. Of course you can open an image in Photoshop or Gimp if you want to do more advanced editing, but Picasa seems very good for wrangling large numbers of images.

  2. Maybe with the yoga you could try for 2 to 3 times a week instead of every day. That way on the days when you know you “don’t have yoga today”, you can really relax. I think you’re too hard on yourself. It takes time. You just had a baby! And your body needs to sleep and to sit back and enjoy that coffee. You deserve it!
    I know exactly what you mean about letting the blog take over. It got that way for me back in Jan./Feb. Even if the pregnancy hadn’t slowed me down, I would have had to put my foot down anyway. It was losing its fun and I was living for the blog—-which we don’t make any money off anyway!! I was no longer cooking for us, I was cooking for the blog. So, I just stopped that one for a while. It was too much. And this one I slowed down to a trickle, but people still read it. And it’s mainly for me anyway, right? But it was so difficult to take that first step! And guilt followed like I was letting people down, especially myself. But it’s not true.
    Take a week and organize your pictures. Then, I bet you’ll feel better.
    We’ll still be here reading when you’re ready to write. We aren’t going anywhere!! :)
    We love you! And I noticed you get the most comments on the self-portraits anyway, so people seem to gravitate towards those the most anyway! Focas on that.
    I think you’re wonderful.

    1. Jennifer, I just don’t want the fact that I just (3 months ago!!!) had a baby to become my excuse to not doing anything with myself. First was: “oh, I just had a baby a month, I shouldn’t be doing anything, at least not yet.” then: “oh, I just had a baby two moths ago, I should wait a little longer to heal and get things straighten up”. Now is three months later and I still look for excuses… . that’s not right!
      Your advice about doing yoga just a few times a week is great…
      oh… I really need to think some things through… :/

  3. Ewa, this reminds me of something a friend once said to me. She dared me to put down the camera and just LOOK. I sat one day watching the birds at the feeder and realized I was actually SEEING them, not worrying about lighting or the background. It’s good for the soul. There are no rules about photo taking and blogging. (Ha! Take it from me. I’ve written one post on my blog in the last year)
    Take some YOU time. No one will think you’ve failed not posting a photo every day. We’ll know you went for a walk and really did “Take time to smell the flowers!”
    Love you, my friend.
    Arline

    1. Arline!!! I just did!!! not a lot but had some hot moments… It feels wonderful. Thinking about evening walk after dinner. Without the camera. Just me and kids :)
      Love you! and thank you for being here!

  4. Well, I’m glad you shared these lovely flowers with us at Flower Art Friday even if you plan to abstain awhile. I totally get it. Beautiful work, nevertheless. Thanks for linking up!

  5. I think I can understand how you feel.
    It seems so many people don’t (almost) think they are actually living unless they post it to a blog, facebook, or tweet it.
    What’s the point of doing something if no one knows about it ? (being ironic)
    You have some good ideas on ways to back down a bit.
    And, I almost agree with just deleting some of your photo folders.
    Let them go.
    Start over.
    You may find it very freeing.
    Just a thought.
    And the tired thing…any chance you are pregnant again?

    1. ME PREGNANT AGAIN!? GOSH… I HOPE NOT!!!!!!!!!

      As for the pictures, I did delete many folders today without even noticing they are gone :) I will be doing it each day until I am done with cleaning my mess up. thanks for the motivation!

  6. just take photography and blogging with ease. you take photographs when you see something you really really want to capture, and blog when you really feel like talking to the world. i might be too amateur to say this, but i always find myself admiring every bit of the scenery before my brain remind myself that it is not going to last long. by then i will pick up my camera and look within the viewfinder for the admiration i found with my eyes moments before. of course that excludes action photography. :P

    Anyway i would say it is really unpleasant when passion becomes responsibility that you want to hide from. Take a break!! or take a rehab – from your words.

  7. enjoyed your flower photographs; and if we seriously analyze the problem at stake, it’s probably not such a big deal to be taking up so much angst. You have that wonderful creative mind and love for photography that you want to keep working with but hours in a day and other responsibilities don’t always fit the play. Ride the waves; prioritorize, tick off one little thing on your list, if you can, each day that bugs you. Even if it’s just making a folder to slide certain topic photographs into. One folder titled ?? and start sliding some photos into it. After that – forget it. Another day will come when you can sit with a coffee and slide a few more in there. I think many of us avid camera friends find ourselves in a similar situation; it’s just that you were game enough to put it out there! And are all my photographs and folders in order and categorized with fine-tuning like this? No ………… but it sounds good theory doesn’t it?

    1. Carole…
      that is exactly what I’ve been doing for the last few days. I go through each folder with pictures, and select those that I want to keep and deleting many. I am almost half way through. At the same time I take my time doing so. Each day a few folders without rushing and stressing about it. It feels good.
      I know that after I am done with cleaning and organizing I will be back to doing exactly the same… taking too many pictures again and getting frustrated at the end… oh well… life :)

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