mom photographer, self-portrait,featured picture

365 Self-Portrait Project (week 36th)

I know that most of my posts from this series starts from the sentence “how crazy the last week has been” or “how tired I am”, blah, blah, blah.

So this one won’t be any different.

Our No.2 won’t stop crying when she is not on my lap, in my arms, holding my fingers, holding my hair… she just needs to be with me. It’s getting worse and worse.

She doesn’t sleep through the day if I put her in her crib. She’ll be crying there as long as I let her. Since I am not a big fan of an attachment parenting I let her cry from time to time.  A few days ago she cried for over one hour laying in her crib. It didn’t work. Yesterday she cried for 40 minute to finally fall asleep for 10 minutes after which she woke up and had started when she had finished with the crying, but louder this time.

Even now, she is sitting on my lap, pounding on the keyboard and deleting half of what I had written every few minutes. at least she is not screaming.

The dog is a piece of work as well.

365/246

Even feeling overwhelmed, I try to smile to my daughters a lot. I do not want them to see me unhappy and sad all the time. On Friday we had some goofing off time while husband went to the park with No.1 and the dog.

This series of pictures was taken for one of my bloggy friends, Purnima. She’s challenged me to take a smiling/laughing shots of myself. So here they are:

365/247

You know you are a mother when you don’t remember your last HOT MEAL, and when you eat standing, always ready to run to do something for the kids, to rescue them, to refill their cups, to put more food on their plate, to clean spilled liquids, etc.

At the same time the irregularity of eating causes me to gain weight, which I am not very comfortable with.

Being an emotional eater I eat way too much these days, and I eat not very healthy… sweets and bread mostly. It’s quick and suits me, and after a few minutes I hate myself again.

Today I am bigger than I was when I was 9 months pregnant with our No.2.

Can you believe that?!

Ugh.

I am so frustrated.

365/248

Sunday.

I was waiting to take a self-portrait for way too long that day. At the end of the day I just snapped a few shots of my face in the mirror. they came out very dark and grainy, but I actually like them.

365/249

Do you remember my crochet fingerless gloves?

So this week I have finished matching camera strap cover.

I’m very happy with the final product.

It looks like my camera is ready for the Fall.

Now I just need to snap a picture of the matching headband I made a week ago.

365/250

As much as I hate the way I look in this picture I decided to post it anyway, because the story behind it is funny.

I know that if I didn’t tell you most of you wouldn’t even know that the framed picture is not from the period when I was pregnant with No.2.

It is from when I was pregnant with No.1

I grabbed this picture thinking that it was taken while I was pregnant with our last kid and I thought it would make a great picture.

After a few shots, and the frame being all dirty from drooling over and chewed I looked at No.1 wandering around and looking at us and it occurred to me: this makes no sense, this is not the right picture.

So I put the picture down and called No.1 to join us, and this is what we ended up with:

At this point it occurred to me that my husband is not in any of my self-portraits. I think I should include him in this project more often. Don’t you think. But it will be a challenge as he doesn’t like to be photographed.

This picture above would be great if he was standing behind me, for example.

365/251

She won!

This was taken after one of those one-hour-long-screaming sessions. She is all sweaty with red chicks, but oh… so content in my arms. 

365/252

And again, back to eating.

Can’t wait for a warm slice of a fresh-baked bread.

World could be falling apart, but if I have my bread and some butter spread over it and a few slices of tomato…, I don’t care.

In addition there is an interesting theme going on this week at Bonnie’s blog: “compose a seven word sentence that describes your life or experience or process as an artist, and marry your sentence to a piece of photo art that somehow illustrates your sentence.

I’ve thought about it, and my initial plan was to give each photo from this post one word, but I changed my mind and have decided to write about my secret idea that have cruised in my head for a quite sometime.

After No.1 was born I had decided to start a photography business. We’d done some arrangements… but then life had happened and I abandoned this idea, probably forever (that’s what I thought back then).

All of the sudden, a few weeks ago, this idea came back. I’ve been thinking about it since. Every single day. Should I do it? Is there a place for me out there among so many photographers already.

I feel like I’ve come to a point where I want to do something more that just click-clicking for myself. 

My seven words then:

WANNA BE A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER (SOMETIME SOON)

They aren’t a fancy quote, they are simple, but oh.. they won’t let me sleep or think about anything else!

 I am still thinking and knowing myself and all those excused I always come up with that might never happen, but it’s nice to see myself in a different role that just a mother and a wife. It’s nice to have dreams and think about fulfilling them.
Hope you guys, are having a wonderful day.

Photo Art Fridaythe long road

41 thoughts on “365 Self-Portrait Project (week 36th)”

  1. Go for your Dreams!!! – You have a wonderful creative spirit and I think it’s great that you would like to do something with your photography skills.
    I adore those Smile photos of you and #2 – Just sorry to hear that she cries so much. Have you checked with a doctor about this? It just doesn’t seem normal that she would cry so much. Not that I’m being nosy, just concerned for you.

    1. we had seen a doctor a few days ago, and believe me or not, she has encourage us to do the “let her cry” times during the day. She didn’t know we have already been doing it. Other than that she didn’t say anything else about her crying so much.

      Thank you for your supporting comment, about the kid and about the photography. I do feel like I might have some creative things to offer for people but most of the time I feel too afraid of the failure!

  2. You’re so precious and you always make my day. Sometimes I can be having THE worst day and I read one of your posts and I feel so much better. I think because I don’t feel alone anymore when I read your word. You sound so much like me in so many ways.
    I LOVE the camera strap. Where is your link to make those finger-less gloves? Maybe if I knitted, I could calm down a bit.
    I really enjoyed seeing your smile. I know it isn’t easy when you’re so overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to watch more comedies and I can really tell a difference in my mood when I do. If only for a little while.
    I know you feel heavy, but honey, you really don’t look it. I always think when I see your pictures, she can wear anything and look good. Why can’t I get away with that? So, take it from a complete stranger on the other side of the States—we don’t see it.
    I’m going to be emailing you this week! I have lots to tell.
    I am SO glad I met you, Ewa.
    P.S. How is Tiger in the kitchen? Any good?

    1. Jennifer, those are crochet gloves, I can’t knitt. I mean I think I can, my mom has taught me YEARS AGO, so I probably would remember if I sit and watch some youtube videos.
      Anyway, here is the link to the pattern:
      http://bethsco.blogspot.com/2011/11/ripple-lace-fingerless-gloves.html

      I am so glad you feel better after reading my posts. Sometimes I feel better after writing them. It’s therapeutic, I guess. To just put it all out. Write it down and to see people liking it and saying: hang it there, woman! it will pass!
      Those simple words of encouragement works.
      Like your words about me not looking heavy. They make me smile, just like that: 🙂
      I know I am heavier because I can wear my jeans I use to wear when I was pregnant!!! They hasn’t shrink, that’s for sure… (or maybe?!)

      Tiger is great. I LOVE the idea she’s put together. I just can’t relate much to the food she cooks: Singapore -ean.
      I’m almost done with the book. it took me forever to read it, though. been busy lately, or not really into reading mood, rather into “DROP DEAD DIVA” mood. I’ve watched all 3 seasons f it on netflix. Jay couldn’t believe I watch something like that. it’s stupid, but I’ve got enough of this smart and intelligent word lately. wanted something easy on my brain to watch🙂

      Can’t wait for your email!!!

  3. P.S. I say do it! So what if you fail? At least you’ll be able to say you tried. That’s my attitude now days anyway. But with your talent and patience, I just don’t think you will. I think something will come of it, if only that you learn even MORE about photography! (which is always fun!)

  4. I love the set of photos of you smiling. Being a mom is so hard somedays but then something wonderful happens and your on top of the world. As for your dream?
    Dreams are what the future is made of.

  5. Being a mother and having responsibility for those two little lives is a hard job! You’re doing the best you can, and if you have some down moments, that’s allowable. The one thing to remember is you have to take time for yourself, you can’t be the best for them if you’re not the best to you! Eat, live, laugh, there’s plenty of time for getting back in shape once you feel you’re ready! I say go for it being a photographer! You take lovely and interesting photo’s, and I always enjoy them! Keep that chin up, #2 will grow out of her crying stage soon! E.

  6. I AM A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER RIGHT NOW… sorry, I didn’t pass GO, collect my $200, or read the last of your post… If you are thinking something is too far BEyond your reach, it stays there. And when you realise that your REACH is already there, there is no GO, $200, or anyone else’s approval or agreement necessary.
    I think many of these photos with #2 are amazing. I mean it. I love where her eyes are closed kissing you… each of these tell a story. each story is full of possibility and interpretation.
    BEing fearful of stepping out has been in my way, too. I have fallen into that hole of “too many others already out there ahead of me” and it no longer holds water. it’s just a hole in my brain!!! LOL!!
    the thing is, if you look through your blog, if you look through others’ blogs here in PAF, you will see that no one is the same, there is no limit to what we can DO that WE don’t put there.
    when I was a LOT younger and my son was little [and frankly very easy] I remember that I kept myself in a box. I would see others DOing what I wanted, well, NOT exactly but similarly… I set myself up to BE chasing the carrot but NOT to catch it!!
    I think your work is amazing. I KNOW you are a photographer, and the professional part is just a shift in your perspective. KEEP THINKING about your dream and then take even the tiniest of steps toward it.
    BEAUTIMOUS photos again…
    xoxo

    1. Currie, what a wonderful comment. Honest and real. I appreciate it. I don’t think that this step is beyond my reach, just…These days photographing is a therapeutic, it’s a passion. I do not want that to change into a chore, one more thing I am going to stress about… (am I getting enough clients? if not… why is that? am I really that bad? ect.) I take things too personal.
      If I make that step I want to make it for sure, not like the last time. I wasn’t really sure, I wasn’t confident and, I think, I really didn’t want to start it. Now I feel the difference but I don’t want to rush it. I am going to KEEP THINKING about it, that for sure!
      Thank you, Currie!

  7. I always love your honesty in your struggles as a mom of young ones! Many days are really just not picnik…I remember the days on end that my husband traveled and living 1200 miles aways from family made some of those days seem like years. I remember trying to reduce my daughters very high fever in the bathtub all while nursing my son…..in the bathtub. I can look back on it now and laugh, but I so understand your struggle. On the sleeping thing…we had the same problem with my daughter and she wouldn’t nap and it just made things a viscious cycle, but we did upon our pediatricians advice do the cry thing, but with the help of a book. If I can remember which one it was I will let you know….but you didn’t just let them cry for periods on end, you would go in after a few minutes with out picking them up or touching them, but I think you could say something, then leave and then each time the intervals got longer. The first night was about 45 minutes and she fell asleep, then the second night was shorter until after several days it was down to 5 minutes. It was brutal, broke our hearts and the night that she fell asleep after 5 minutes we thought something had to be wrong for sure, but she had just learned how to put herself to sleep and napping during the day followed.

    I love all of your candid shots with #2, just so fantastic, and you look great btw!!
    Here is hoping that this week is a little better for you all around! hugs xo

    1. I always get in the bathtub with both my girls. It’s time and water saving way of dealing with baths.
      I am going to try your advice about the crying thing. If that doesn’t help I will consider buying a pacifier (which I am a big opponent)

  8. Oh Wowww!!!! You are simply beautiful!!! The babies are adorable🙂
    Thank you for shooting these pictures and sharing. You all make a cute family! Take more pics of the babies and you smiling.

  9. There is no doubt in my mind that you will accomplish your goal. You are already an accomplished photographer … when your children are in school you will surely be able to apply your skills outside the home. In the meantime … you are being a documenting photographer of your life.

    This week’s photographs are just great. Seeing you smile made me smile! 🙂

  10. your pictures are great! (thank you for sharing at 1440)
    i felt the same way, and for whatever reason, one day i just JUMPED! i declared i was going to do it and did it. i work by word of mouth and am busy enough to learn a lot and still provide families with precious moments saved. MY plan, is that when my kids move out, i will let go fully and really start a business in photography. meanwhile, a shoot here, a shoot there…. and i’m growing.
    you will, too.😉
    go for it

Thank you for stopping by. I hope you like what you see and read (not always in proper English, though). Feel free to leave a comment love and don't forget to check it back and keep the discussion going

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s